Back to Blogging!! (っಠ‿ಠ)っ

 Hi, I'm officially back to blogging after a long time of trial and errors in life. I am now in my 30s and I came to realize that I have been trying too hard to be perfect. The past is now all over and I have probably reached a new beginning. 

In any case, I came to found out that world cosplay site have deleted all my cosplay photos while I was still figuring out my life LOL. As stated in their disclaimers or terms, they have wiped out photos of every cosplayers that have not log in for 5 years and more. The good news is I still have back ups so I am going to continue uploading my cosplay photos here like my very own portfolio website. 😂

I used to be fully focus onto Facebook and Instagram that I have completely forgotten about blogging and youtubing. Plus the latest? Tiktok platform. I don't think I will ever make a personal Tiktok platform? Maybe only one Tiktok platform for my current small business because having too many platforms to update can be tiring and might give me a burnout. 

As usual, I still have social anxiety but I think I'm getting better at pretending I don't have social anxiety in front of gatherings. 😂 Recently I have even managed to cut off from the most toxic person of my life. She has been there clinging onto me ever since I was born so it was really the most difficult decision ever. 

She had 30 years to understand me but all the time she is just trying to reply me. She did not protect me from bullies neither did she make me feel good about myself. She pushed me away when I tried to hug her for comfort and she did not praise me when I get good grades. She did not make me feel proud about the things I am good at, and she did not save me when I asked for help. She did not comfort me when I needed it and she wasn't there when I was crying. I knew everything about her and did everything I could as much as she wanted me.

As I struggled between what I chose to do and what I have to do. I always ask her what does she want and wondered if there were anything else I could give, or maybe I was still not good enough that is why she wasn't happy. But as I grew older, I realized I forgot to ask myself what do I want to do with my life.

The first trigger that lead me to ask myself this question was when my husband asked me what do I really want, and then I started to wonder. I have always answer most of my questions with the word anything because honestly it really doesn't matter, or does it? Suddenly I hesitated. Do I really want to invite her to the happiest day of my life or should I pretend that she never exist?

After telling her about my wedding plans, she refused to agree or acknowledge what I wanted for my own wedding. I mean....I'm the one that's getting married right? Not her right? After a lengthy battle with myself, I decided to not invite her.

But after everything was done and became the past, yet another super long battle with myself. I decided to tell her about it for I felt that she should at least know that I'm married before I become a mother of my own. She was fine at first but somehow..... I do not know how? She found out that she was the only one not invited, and then she explodes. She kept saying that she exploded because I didn't do more for myself? She said that I should have a grand wedding or something like her's. 

She's confusing because she was totally fine before when I told her that I'm married and how I planned my wedding. She then continued, telling me that it's every girls' dream to walk down the aisle in a wedding dress. So I told her, well apparently that's not my dream because I do not want to get tired attending to guests in a freaking heavy gown when it should be the happiest day of my life. My dream is to go overseas for a honeymoon, that's all. She replied me saying that a wedding shouldn't be just rom and a photoshoot. I'm totally sure she was just replying and not trying to understand me. Even though I knew her so well, I still had hope that she can be my mother and yea it was still astonishing and unbelievable. 

A child being an adult for an adult is really hard. Sometimes I even felt like a horse. Bred to be put onto a racing track. Being compared and forever not enough. Bred to be sold to another family. Euughhh I hate it when she said she wants to ask for the bride price from my husband. I am not a horse you bred for selling.  

Now I will do things that I have always wanted to do.🙌 I will probably have more decisions to make and more things to figure out in my life, but I guess everyone else is doing the same thing too.😅 I will just try my best to catch up now that I'm released from the past! 💪 

Also, I came to realized that I actually love playing games a lot. I guess when I was young, my whole life is about mental survival. I was trying very hard to maintain my sanity, now I am slowly healing. It's hard but I am doing my best to heal. I think I can call myself an adult now. HAHAHAH! But I am an adult who's trying to satisfy her inner child. HAHAHAH! I played so much online games that it came to a point where I felt like an actual gamer, but my anxiety is killing me whenever I thought of streaming my gameplay. This is going to be a hard wall to break through, because I can't seems to love my own voice. Why do I always cringe or have the strong feeling to hide whenever I playback my own voice? Much mystery.